Don’t ask, Don’t tell.

Nothing grosses me out more than a couple’s standard response to questions about having children:“We’re trying!” Always said with nervous excitement and a wholesome smile.

"We're having intercourse all the time!"

This is meant to be a tactful way to say, “Yes, we want kids in the near future.”

All I can hear is:

“We’re having sex on the regular!”

I don’t want to know this about my closest friends. And I don’t want to know this about coworkers or casual acquaintances. It’s a widely acceptable piece of shared information, but I can’t condone it. It’s TMI. And thinking about my coworkers having coitus is as terrible as seeing a coworker naked in the gym locker room. Yeah. I’ve been there.

Lucky for me, lesbian pregnancy is still a mysterious, slightly awkward topic for a lot of people. But even if someone is completely comfortable asking us about kids, Meredith and I never get the question:

“So, are you guys trying for kids yet?” In that high-pitched, intrusive tone.

Try as we might, we’ll never get there. And, as a side note, we’re not even close to the insemination stage. We have no idea what we’re doing. A couple of clueless lesbians. We’re in the internet research stage. The read-a-book-written-by-a-gay-parent stage. Since we’ve gotten married, though, people are asking when we’re thinking about having kids. It’s a reassuring jump to that conclusion even though gay marriage is legal in less than 10% of our states. Hetero or other, people still acknowledge that marriage is to children as peanut butter is to fluff. If you haven’t been there, get there:

Fluffernutter: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluffernutter

Instead, the question gets posed like a corporate operative strategy:

“So, ah, what’s the game plan?”

“What’s our knowledge base on implanting semen?”

“How can we improve our best practices to ensure successful pregnancy?”

It’s scientific. It’s egg + sperm = baby. Or, so we hope. Even the word ‘cryobank’ sounds nerdy and futuristic. It’s not tawdry, it’s clinical. We’re just a couple of girls, cooking up a recipe for motherhood. And you can leave the naked bedroom time out of it, thank you.

One comment

  1. Sisserwrobel · · Reply

    I always assume that people who say “we are trying” only have sex for procreational purposes.

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