Can I get some Ryan Gosling sperm, already?

If Ryan Gosling is going to play hard-to-get, then I guess my next option is still to attend the “Inseminar.”

The long-awaited orientation for artificial insemination put on by Fenway Health Institute, is finally upon us. So, naturally, I’m feeling a little jittery tonight. It doesn’t actually put us any closer to getting me pregnant, but it feels like a big step in that direction. I’m sure tomorrow night is going to be one, giant, overwhelming pile of information. But, in an attempt to calm my nerves, I’ve made a list of things I hope to hear information on during the orientation. In another attempt to curb anxiety, I took my first yoga class today and practiced breathing evenly or some some shit. I think I’d prefer a generous pour of crisp, white wine.

Meredith will shake her head at these and probably tell me, “You know you can find the answers to all of this online, right?” But, I’m interested in hearing a real live doctor or medical professional explain some of this to me and not just rely on the genius of WebMD.

So, in no particular order:

1. How much background and family history is gathered from each donor and how is that verified?

Or, in other words, how do I know that Joe Donor didn’t fill out his family history like I fill out my medical forms:

Q. How much alcohol on average do you consume?

A. Socially (i.e. Meredith and I might socially cruise a bottle of wine while sifting through our DVR and provide social commentary on The Talk or hit shows of ABC Family)
2. Are photos of donors as adults available from certain cryobanks (and for a certain price)?

Or, in other words, will some cute little crumb snatcher who started out looking like this:

Prettiest little androg on the planet.

Get hit with the puberty stick and end up looking like this:
3. What are some things to look for when selecting an OBGYN and when is an appropriate time to set up an appointment?

I can’t ask this question without thinking of “Knocked Up” because I know I’m going to end up being Katherine Heigl, dragging Meredith to 17 different gynecologists and then later having an emotional freak out, kicking her out of the car in the middle of the road and telling her she loves her giant bong more than me. Wait, hold that. Meredith doesn’t own a giant bong.

4. And then a follow up to question number 3: How far in advance should you see a doctor before purchasing sperm?

5. What is the bottom line cost for each specimen?

I can keep a lot of my free-floating, unfounded anxiety in check. What really REALLY gives me panic attacks on the regular is cash flow. I’m sort of banking on having a fertile girdle so we can knock this out after purchasing only one round of sperm. Fingers crossed.

6. How can I determine what costs my insurance will cover?

7. What is a detailed breakdown of the actual insemination process?

Here’s the thing, I have seen it done on TV (dramatized and reality), but I want the real deal Holyfield from the professionals. You want to stick a syringe looking instrument full of semen in my vagina and insert the tip into my uterus? Please explain. Gently.

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