7 questions I can never take back

Constantly referenced yet never before featured, the wife has finally popped by the blog for a visit. For those of you who actually know Meredith in real life, I imagine you clapping your hands and bouncing up and down in front of your computer screens. Or, at least, you should be.

Last night I said to Meredith: You should do a blog post with me. I’m going to email you questions.

And she responded: That sounds neat for me. 

So then I accused her of being a sarcastic smartass, but she said: No, I’m serious. So I let it go, whether or not her sincerity can be trusted, and got on with the business of writing questions; and, thus the first ever post between Little Lesbian and Little Lesbian Wife was born.

LL: During the first few months of motherhood when it’s clear that I am the favorite mom since I carry the milk, how do you plan to close the gap on the competition and make our newborn love you more?

LLW: I don’t really plan on becoming close to the baby during the first 2 years.  Instead, I plan to spend this precious time creating propaganda films in which I discredit you as a parent.  I will force him or her (her) to watch it with their eyes pinned open as I shower her with candy and soda.  Realistically I think the only bonding we will do is going to be diapers and bath time because I only like to clean and will learn to love through scrubbing it.

LL: Ah yes, emphasis on the female gender of our future baby. I see what you did there. When we first started talking about having kids did you ever worry that my grandma eggs would have trouble making babies? Or did you have any other apprehensions about expanding our little lesbian family?

LLW: I was not afraid of your grandma eggs not making babies.  I am only afraid they will come out listening to Josh Groban and getting a perm before bingo every Tuesday.  Maybe she’ll be a good cook, play canasta, and drink gin with me.

This is probably me in 50 yrs. Accurate.

LL: What is your greatest fear about us as parents? (Other than that I will coddle our children as I’ve coddled Duncan, turning them into dependent, anxiety-ridden babies who squeal at the front window when we get home from the grocery)

LLW: Coddling is my biggest fear.  I am afraid that because of your coddling I will have to be overly mean to compensate for your love of bad behavior.  Other than that I’m afraid that I will have to stop swearing (the really gross/mashed up ones) and drinking. Could I put it in a bottle so they think its milk?

LL: Yes, hiding your booze in baby bottles seems like a foolproof plan and would in no way risk our future children consuming gin. On a scale of 1 to divorce, how unbearable do you predict I will become during pregnancy?

LLW: Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries.  I’ll be out before the second trimester.

LL: Will you be disappointed if I don’t a) experience cheeseburger crotch or b) shit myself during labor?

LLW: Let’s be real, at least one of those things will happen.  There will be enough gross stuff to keep me entertained.

LL: If you could replace me and experience pregnancy with one of the Teen Moms, which one would it be?

LLW: Not Amber, because I think she could take me.  Probably one of the ones that has such low self esteem and is so codependent that I won’t have to do anything.  So all of them.  Except Amber.  Oh wait, can I change my answer to Janelle?  That way I would be able to stay home and hang out with Barbara and watch the baybee!  Real nice!

Television at its finest.

LL: Do you think Birdie will try to chew our future baby’s legs like she attempts to chew Duncan’s as if they are chicken drumsticks? On the whole, what do you foresee as the interaction in our house between baby and beast?

LLW: Yes, and I feel like it will be bad.  I will try to institute a no dog on couch rule (like I’ve been trying to for no reason) and you will let all creatures lay in a pile.  There will be hair on pacifiers, anal gland secretions on onesies and Duncan will suck on the baby’s bottles. Vomit.

LL: We’re going to start diapering Duncan right alongside the baby, I’m pretty sure. 

9 comments

  1. Jarvis Slacks · · Reply

    What’s Cheeseburger Crotch?

    1. You’ll have to take that up with the wife.

      1. Jarvis Slacks · ·

        I sort of don’t want to.

  2. when i come across one of your blogs it gives me a much needed giggle in the middle of my crazy baby/toddler/child filled day!!! THANK YOU!

    1. Happy to oblige by exploiting Meredith and her comedic delivery.

  3. I did a bad thing and read this at work. I am now hysterically laughing (my real/embarrassing laugh btw) in my office after that last question and praying no one walks in with a question…and my door is open…I am predicting this will not end well.

    1. I really appreciate your commitment to this blog. Career be damned.

  4. Kimmer · · Reply

    This interview is hilarious and that Barbara image is COMEDY GOLD. That lady is scary. SO SCARY.

  5. I just came across your blog and I LOVE it. You are hilarious!

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