Maternity Mishap: Miss Independence

So, America turned a year older this week, Kelly Clarkson reemphasized that she’s not a big lesbian, and now even pregnant women are turning to bath salts?!?

I spent the Fourth on my couch, mostly, avoiding the scorching heat in the comfort of my air-conditioned living room. And even on the occasions where I did venture outside, the sounds of our neighbors splashing about in their pools during family barbecues made me kind of despise them, so it was better to just stay indoors.

As for Kelly Clarkson, I’ve never really understood the rumors that she’s a lady lover. She doesn’t seem particularly gay to me? So I’m wondering if the circulating rumors are simply a byproduct of some poor, sad lesbian who hopelessly crushes on Kelly and wills her gayness to come true by spinning the rumor mill over and over and over again. Like, when I was in college and would convince myself that the girl in my class wearing that certain tee-shirt or those super gay sneakers or that obviously lesbian cap was clearly super gay and obviously a lesbian. Until I would excitedly relay my findings to one of my best heteros who would then inform me: Um, she’s totally not gay.

But what’s really blowing my mind this morning (and every time another story of face snacking breaks), is bath salts. The thing that really makes me uneasy about bath salts is not that they make people ripe with insanity who then turn cannibalistic. What really bugs me about this shit is that I don’t understand the drug itself. Because the truth is, when you and three of your closest friends are sitting around a computer looking at the Wikipedia page for bath salts, you’re officially old as f–k. Like, Googling bath salts because you don’t understand what they are or how they are ingested is pretty much like hearing your mom say that someone smoking weed is ‘doing dope.’ It’s shameful. So anyway, this trend has now spread from homeless men to medical students onto pregnant women, or at least recently pregnant women.

This morning Meredith tells me that a woman in the maternity ward stripped naked and attacked the nursing staff after giving birth because she had taken bath salts. I guess when the epidural wears off, bitches get DESPERATE. Here’s the link if you want to read the whole wonderful tale of naked insanity.

So, on that note: Happy Birthday, America! Here’s to making our forefathers/mothers proud year after year!

** I should note that the woman pictured above is not the Pennsylvania mother who took bath salts, and I have no knowledge that this woman is or ever was on bath salts … though it might explain some of her life choices. Like this photo.

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